50 shades of FRUSTRATED 

It’s not the boyfriend reading my texts that I should be worried about. It’s my dad. And when you’ve got a supposedly (because I found out)  stealthy spectator like that, I doubt I’ll ever get to the friends stage, let alone a boyfriend. 

I feel violated and I feel like my freedom of speech has been taken away from me. I am scrutinised for every message I send to my best friends and that makes me very very vulnerable. I wasn’t being secretive, I was open about everything. I told him what all I want to experience, I told him about the chances of me drinking and smoking being nil. 

The point is, I was an open book, and yet, this constant watch makes me feel like I’m being secretive. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong even though I’m not. Forget doing something I haven’t even had any THOUGHTS about hiding anything or doing anything wrong. 

I sent a message to one of my senior residents and it was to tell him about his wonderful ways of working with patients, and that he was a great inspiration to us all. It was a harmless message and I have no intentions of having a romantic connection with him. He’s getting married, for God’s sake! 

And despite the intention being completely devoid of deviant thoughts or malice, I feel like I was doing something worth hiding because the minute I send this message, my dad will start scheming ways to make me confess about the “horrid message” that I sent to “that random guy” who I “barely know” and how this isn’t the time for me to “get into all that boyfriend girlfriend business” and how I “should focus on my career and career only”. 

If there is anyone getting it all wrong, it’s him not me. It deeply angers me to know that he’s gone this far. If he was open to my viewpoints, I would have had no trouble telling him anything in my life but the sheer looks of disgust and disappointment thrown my way the minute I speak about anything remotely different from studies and career, have taught me my place. 

The only other place where I could speak my mind and say anything and everything without a filter was when I was with my best friends or chatting with them on WhatsApp. 

Only, now, that place has been taken away from me too. Where do I turn? Who do I speak to? Who do I share my everyday enthusiasm about anything and everything with? 

Is this what is expected from me? No telecommunications whatsoever? No social media? No social life outside of studies? 

Fine. If that’s what it takes to just let me be, I’ll shut my mouth tight and my fingers won’t give a thing away through the keypad. I’ve had enough. 

I am not going to ask him to stop his snooping business because I’m tired of being told that it’s always my fault that led to all of this. 

Mr. Detective dad, I’m done. I’ll hold onto silence like my life depends on it. I’m sure I’ll lose some friends because I’ve stopped telling them anything about my life and in turn made them feel unwanted and left out but who am I to decide what’s good or bad for me. Parents are always right. Right? 

If that’s the lesson you wanted to teach me dad, received it. Heard it loud and clear. 

I. Am. Done. 

A part of me wants him to read this post and understand what he’s doing but a huge part of me wants to keep this under wraps because this is the only voice I have left. If this starts getting monitored too, I’ll lose my mind. 

I’m feeling some intense emotions right now. A mosaic of them. It’s my mom’s birthday today. I guess I’ll have to act all happy and carefree like I’m expected to. Otherwise my dad will find another way to blame it on my “distractions”.

Fuck distractions.

A.W.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. _Peacie says:

    What else are parents for? And then they say we aren’t open with them 😑

    Like

      1. _Peacie says:

        I really don’t get them! I love them though but then…. I feel like forcing the metaphoric chill pill down their throats way too often

        Liked by 1 person

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