The Maid Of Honour Speech

They say that first impression is the last impression and even though I have little faith in that saying, I’d like to start off this sensational speech of mine with something smart. 

There’s no telling how long it has been since we were friends because in the midst of creating new memories and forging countless parent signatures to get permission to go home, people tend to lose track of time. 

Let me remind you, I said “people”. Obviously, I wasn’t included. Brace yourself ladies and gentlemen, shut your ears too, especially the groom. The bride will try to tell you otherwise and make me seem like a desperate friend finder but we know who has a better memory here. 

WE KNEW EACH OTHER SINCE SEVENTH GRADE! 

I saw her walking down the stairs whilst reading a book in sixth grade itself but for accuracy sake, I won’t include that.

Yes, yes my friends, that’s long. Don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know. I’m pretty sure she was already best friends with me in her mind ever since she was born. She just didn’t know it. It’s ok girl, not your fault. 

Ssshhh. Really. Nah,nope, no..Ssshhh, really not your fault. Ok, that’s enough, shut up sumo. 

So, let’s begin. 

It’s only fair if I quickly run you through the anecdotes of the medieval days of our friendship. Now that I think of it, it’s really hard to pick out a few. Each incident has contributed to our bond like nitro boost to a car in NFS. We moved a great distance ahead but not without contributing to global warming. 

Before we proceed, a small clarification that I’d like to make, IT’S NOT AMULU’S FAULT! Not always. Not mostly. Just maybe once or twice. 

*looks at the bride and grins* 

Look at her, I’m pretty sure she’s seething from the inside out. How adorable. I love how it takes barely any instigation to get a rise out of her. Ah the joy and thrills. 

No wonder we fight.

Greg, don’t mind. I’m just helping you keep the bed warm. I hope you like “die hard”. 

Hehehe, because that’s what she’ll scream when you’re at it and I assure you, she loves to take things literally. 

*looks at bride again* 

Oh look, she’s blushing! Don’t worry mate, didn’t I tell you I was going to be there for you? Aww, I know her face too well to know that this is the look of love. Towards me. All roads lead to Rome and all her faces say that I’m the best. 

Right? Right. 

I don’t give her much time to answer because I don’t like to pressurise her that way. I get her. It’s alright. Greg, bro, you’ll get there too. Let’s not get too jelly. 

Back in a place I don’t want to go too much in detail about, not because it’s something shady but because it’s traumatic, sumo and sonali managed to put me through a lot of misery. Be it unrealistic situations like both my crushes hanging from two mountains, or me falling in love with a guy who’s twin brother also happens to like me and mind you, these two idiots had their definition of “twin” pretty messed up. According to them, the guys have same everything. Physical, mental and social and no, it does not matter who I have feelings for. They’ll find a way to confuse me. 

Oh don’t be stupid, of course I can’t tell the difference between the twins. Obviously. Major plot twist. How original. 

They believed they were coaching me to face the harsh world out there. Teaching me to have just a basic level of ego, that too, if absolutely necessary and to just, chill. 

If trump were to take lessons from these two, I’m sure he’d be a changed man. So changed, he might even shut up. No ego remember? 

They made me sign a contract! 

Phew, this is tiring, I’m hungry, would you guys like some black raisins? They’re good for your blood. Black raisins are the new dates. I’m not being racist sumankita. It’s just the colour. 

Fine fine, for you, would you like some high coloured raisins?

I offered them to sumo too. A few times. She wasn’t very appreciative of the gesture. Beats me.

Now that I think of it, our fights are based on a huge selection of topics and you can include ghosts and supernatural beings too. 

I never understood why they called us a married couple but today, as I stand here delivering my swoon worthy speech, I’m relieved that she’s finally married. For real. We weren’t even room mates for God’s sake! 

Truth be told, that’s the only reason we’re still alive. She would have killed me by now. I wouldn’t though, I’m too nice. 

Greg, I’m glad you’re there now. It makes me happy to see that she loves you and it makes me even more happy to know that I won’t be her only target. 

I’m kidding, you have an amazing aim dude. You also have an amazing choice, I must say. All her past crushes, sorry to say, resembled kojjas. I thought I had a fair idea as to how “the one” would be. Surprisingly, you’re nice. Looks and brains that is. I approve. 

Welcome to the fam Greg. You’re now a part of a crazy roller coaster. If you need any help, I’m there. Be it planning her birthday or your anniversary or just about anything else, I’ll be there to provide you with some inside information. 

Not without some incentive of course. 

We love you. She loves you too. 

I’ll miss you though, when you’re off on your honeymoon. I promise not to disturb. 

*smirks* 

I have the best of intentions in mind. It’s all planned out. Without further ado, let’s raise our glasses in cheers for the new bride and groom. 

Congratulations bros. 

I’m looking forward to that big holiday we all, along with our families, go to. We’re a party and we’ll have a party. 

A.W.

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