End?

My world is a puzzle with all eccentric pieces.

Nothing is what it seems like. In other words, my life is nothing but a mocktail of all kinds of illusions. Never ceases to amaze me. 

You might want to know why I said Mocktails instead of cocktails. In answer to that, I haven’t really grown up yet. I’m the little girl still on a leash. 

Except, my leash is just a tad bit longer. I manage to get done, my fair share of mischief.

This is a story of something very common yet unspoken of.

A story where things weren’t meant to be taken too literally. A story where full stops didn’t mean anything. A story where it all began with a good night!

So, without further ado, let’s dive right in.

The phone lay on her bed beckoning for her attention. It didn’t even have to buzz, for her to be on edge. It was the anticipation that killed her. It was an internal turmoil, should she make the first move, should she be patient and wait? She’d have been happy if she had a clue. 

Agnus wasn’t one of those people who were known for their patience. In fact, she wasn’t known for anything at all. She liked to dwell in that little shell of hers. 

It was like her secret hideout. She liked to think that she was a mafia leader operating an entire life from her inaccessible place of solace.

You know what they say for a periscope right? ‘I can see you, but you can’t see me’

Her life lived up to every word of that sentence. 

Agnus was a whole new person when she didn’t have to face them in reality or talk to them over phone. She could be herself. She didn’t have to deal with the sight of the other person, meaning, she wouldn’t be phased by the effect of her words on them, because, she can’t see them.

A chronic procrastinator by the day and a multi-tasker my night, Agnus had her life in control. Things got tough but never out of hand. Never to the point of helplessness. She took pride in that. 

Quite frankly, I’d be surprised if she didn’t.

The clock ticked, metaphorically, and her heart grew more impatient. Agnus hated it when things didn’t go according to plan. It irked her. The little misgivings got to her easily and she was forced to act upon her impulses. She had to clear her head. She still had her priorities straight and nothing could ruin that for her. She needed to get the bumps out of her way before sailing through the waters at high speed.

A: Good night you useless moron.

She heaved a sigh of relief. At least now there would be something to look forward to. In her mind, a ‘Good night’ or ‘bye’ was the safest way to start a conversation. Her way of subtly ascertaining her presence but not directly expressing her wish to converse because what if the other person doesn’t want to talk? ‘Bye’ would be the perfect thing to say because you could just say, “I just said bye. It’s not like I wanted that conversation. You were going to sleep? Ok, cool, I already said an appropriate good night. I was also not that in the mood for talking anyway.” But if the other person says something like “oh hey! How have you been!”, you can always begin the conversation. Agnus was a smart girl.

She made sure to cover all her bases. She made it a point to protect herself from every direction. She wouldn’t have to deal with rejection. She wouldn’t have to deal with grief. Not like she didn’t get enough of that from her family and some acquaintances.

Agnus had a social life alright, but all her friendships were more vibrant over text. The good thing that came out of this arrangement was that she knew her way around, she knew the whos and wheres. She knew the people around her. 

Speaking of which, the wait was agonising. How long does it take to reply to a god damn text, she thought. She compared every person’s texting speed to her own, She never left a text unanswered. She didn’t keep people waiting. Ever. 

She wondered why everyone wasn’t like her. Life would have been easier. For her mostly.

Rafael wasn’t a complete stranger. She knew him, she’d seen him around, on campus, probably even in some of her classes. Something about him was endearing, almost beguiling. She was sure she would find something repulsive after a conversation or two. She always did. 

Like I mentioned, a life full of illusions. She could never tell what was real and what wasn’t. Too trusting, too naive. If it weren’t for her chosen knights in shining armours, she would have been in deep trouble. They kept her grounded. She managed to get into enough trouble despite that but the intensity was marginally lesser and for that, she was immensely thankful.

Agnus WANTED to make friends but her shyness got in the way. Rafael was her latest interest. Sounds like a never ending list of conquests but she didn’t intend to hurt or offend. All she wanted was to love and be loved, to make friends, to have people around. 

Breaking her reverie, her phone came to life. There it was, a message lit the screen up and indirectly managed to light up her face. She broke into a careful and sneaky smile.

Of course she wasn’t affected by the messages. Not in the least bit. What are you even talking about. She was smiling because she knew her messages always got a reply. 

R: Ha ha good night A.

That reply was like a roller coaster. Driving her insane with the wait and anticipation and then leaving her with a gaping hole when it did come. She sighed deeply and tried to push it to the back of her head.

The next day wasn’t going to be any different for Agnus. If there was one thing you could praise her for, it was her unabatable enthusiasm for just about anything she set her mind on.

A: Hope your day wasn’t too boring, good night Raf!

This time the reply came within a few seconds and after the previous day’s disappointment, she knew where her expectations should be. 

“I was hoping for a ‘you make my day less boring’ but I’m sure this twat isn’t capable of such creativity.”

R: Well, it isn’t anymore, I suppose, what you upto you fiery canon ball.

Agnus’ eyes were the size of saucers now, and her mouth was hanging open. 

“Wow, this guy is definitely bipolar.” The Katy Perry song ‘Hot and Cold’ seemed inexplicably apt for the situation. Agnus had the habit of relating everything in her life to song lyrics. It was a weird habit but I’d have to agree that songs can say way more than just words. It’s the mood that songs are capable of setting, that makes a difference.

A: Wow, someone’s not already planning their retirement today, What makes you so unusually charged today Raf?

R: Your boisterous personality is infectious babe. 

A: Well I’m glad I stalled someone’s journey to grandpa-ship.

R: You’re funny.

A: I feel like I need to be cheerful for the both of us. You can be a real buzzkill sometimes.

R: We’re going for the ‘no filter’ at full throttle huh?

A: Well, as long as you tell me when I go overboard or god forbid, manage to hurt your feelings, I’d like to be that way. That ok with you? 

R: By all means. please go ahead. It’s an all appreciated trait, why would I oppose. 

A: Because you’re a softy and sore loser?

R: You wound me A. If only you knew, I’m all Hard and muscular. 😉

A: Spare me the gory details please. I’ve had enough anatomy for my whole life. I’d be glad if I can ignore yours.

R: Really now, *spreads arms out and spins around like a model*

A: Nun for life

R: I didn’t know they had the part time option A. It has to be for life.

A: HA  HA  HA. You’re so funny I grew a six pack just laughing at your jokes.

R: I’m glad I could help. Although, it was pretty unnecessary. You don’t even need to try to impress. You’re a natural sweetheart.

Agnus flatlined right there. She lived for moments like this. She craved this kind of attention. She enjoyed it. 

A: Imbecile. I just flatlined. You’re a work of art sometimes Raf. I’ll give you that.

R: And she says nice things too!

A: Don’t get too used to it. 

R: * raises hands* Wasn’t thinking about it. 

A: I just scrolled up, all this started with a good night 😀 haha

R: Well you wished me good night, and the night is still young, so everything kind of falls into place don’t you think?

A: And he makes sense too!

R: My own words against me! *exasperated*

A: ooo big words.

R: I’m a man of big words. 

A: And big anatomy I believe.

R: hahaha naughty! I’m not sure a nun would say that A.

A: That’s nun of your business mate. 😉

R: Eyii! nice one ! haha. I like the wits. Keep it coming tiger.

A: Wouldn’t hold it in for the world.

R: Ah right, the advice should have been, ‘beware and attack tiger’. But then again, to hell with that, be yourself. 

A: ❤

R: :*

Agnus was grinning from ear to ear. She had hope. Hope for a bright future. Hope for a future, period. The exchange was entertaining and it made her feel good. Their wavelengths matched!

That was the day she realised, an end didn’t have to be the end. A full stop repeated is a beginning waiting to be composed. 

Her life was what comes beyond the dot dot dot. She had the power to write it, twist it and turn it how she deemed fit.

A story about new beginnings. A story about hope. Don’t be too sad with the full stop guys, dot dot dot can happen. 

Go ahead, make your ended beginnings. 

Cheers,

A.W.

P.s. That’s a first. Writing in third person sure makes it easier to describe yourself. Feels less like an accusation. And not each person who wants to develop a friendship with someone is desperate. Just because someone is trying hard to impress you does not mean they are desperate for your attention. That’s not the only thing people look for. Sometimes, when you find a person who shares the same interests and opinions, the conversations become more likeable, they become more significant. 

Finding a person like that is hard and when you do find them, you can’t help the urge to chase them, hold them and keep them close. 

For those who aren’t trying because that might make you seem desperate, don’t think too much! If you think that person can understand you, go strike a conversation this second! Tell them they have an amazing personality! This world lacks connection! Don’t try and predict the future. Watch it unfold. 

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